Is narcissistic psychopathology within a couple always the result of narcissistic personality disorder in one of the partners?

Dr. Otto Kernberg offers a much more complex understanding of this psychodynamic phenomenon. In Love Relations: Normality and Pathology (1995), he demonstrates that narcissistic psychopathology within a couple may take many different forms and does not necessarily reflect the underlying personality structure of each partner. As he writes:

“Narcissistic psychopathology in couples ranges widely. 

One couple makes conscious efforts to maintain an unrealistic public image of their relationship as one of total mutual gratification. 

Another couple unconsciously colludes in the ruthless exploitation of one partner by the other. 

Psychoanalytic investigation shows that the proverbial image of a narcissistic partner matched with a masochistic partner does not necessarily coincide with the character pathologies of each. More generally, a partner's unconscious identification with dissociated and projected aspects of him- or herself, together with the partners' mutual induction of complementary roles by means of projective identification, may result in a role distribution that conveys an erroneous impression of each partner's psychopathology.

An inconsiderate husband's self-centered exploitation of his wife, for example, may suggest significant narcissistic psychopathology in him and victimization in his wife. 

An exploration of the couple's conscious and unconscious interactions, however, reveals that she is unconsciously provoking him and projecting onto him her own sadistic superego. 

The intactness, depth, and commitment of the husband's relationships to others reveal him to be predominantly infantile rather than narcissistic. 

Thus, according to Kernberg, we have to deal with two problems: narcissistic psychopathology in one or both partners and the "interchange" of personality aspects of both, bringing about the couple's pathological relationship that does not correspond to the individual pathology of the partners”.

These considerations underscore the importance of examining not only the personality structure of each partner but also the unconscious relational dynamics that emerge between them. These dynamics often shape the nature of conflict, the allocation of roles, and the ways in which partners experience love, guilt, aggression, and intimacy.

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(c) Yuliia Holoporova,

Ukrainian Association of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy