In clinical practice, difficulties with openness may manifest in different ways: a patient may conceal their vulnerabilities, avoid expressing a need for support, refrain from discussing sexual desires, or keep a secret for years that could potentially destroy the relationship.

What lies behind this inability to be open with the Other? And is the patient capable of trusting in their partner’s Love when revealing something that may evoke disappointment, pain, or rejection?

In his article Limitations to the Capacity to Love (2011), Otto Kernberg, M.D., notes: 

Basic trust implies the internal security in depending on a loving maternal introject, even when oedipal guilt complicates this deep sense of a secure attachment. Without it, such basic trust remains frail.

The ability to be open and honest, must, of course, be reciprocal, so that both parties may feel free to reveal themselves and thus challenge one another to contribute to their growth as individuals and as a couple.

In therapy, this may draw attention to what the patient does not dare to reveal to their partner—and what response they expect in return: judgment, punishment, rejection, or the loss of love.

Otto Kernberg devotes particular attention to the question of infidelity, noting that: 

“ Honesty may become a major test of the love relation. Of particular importance is the question of infidelity, always a major threat to the love relation, indicating, as it does, a profound conflict in at least one of the members of the couple. Honesty about involvement with a third party poses a serious challenge to trust in the understanding, the tolerance, and the capacity for an authentic forgiveness on the part of the other” . 

But is the patient capable of revealing to the Other a truth that will cause pain, with no guarantee that they will be understood or forgiven—or that the relationship itself will survive? 

According to Otto Kernberg:

“ To be able to openly acknowledge behavior that hurts the other, accepting one’s own responsibility in an honest communication that trusts the other’s goodwill (although one cannot be certain of the other’s understanding and forgiveness), reflecting the commitment to honesty above the certainty of preservation of the relationship, is an indication of such basic trust. It may become a major test of the survival potential of a love relation ”.

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(c) Yuliia Holopiorova,

Ukrainian Association of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy