‍One sign of narcissistic pathology may be revealed not in how a patient conflicts with a partner, but in how genuinely interested the patient actually is in that partner.

In therapy, it is important to pay attention not only to the intensity of feelings, jealousy, sexual desire, or fear of loss. It is equally important to explore whether, in the patient’s psychic reality, there exists an Other with a separate inner life of their own—and what happens when this Other achieves success, experiences gratification, or ceases to serve as a source of narcissistic validation.

In his article Limitations to the Capacity to Love (2011), Otto Kernberg, M.D., notes:

“ A central aspect of the capacity to love will emerge, one that may require time to become fully evident, namely, an ongoing curiosity and interest in the life of the beloved person, in his/her emotional experience, personal history, ideals and aspirations as an unending source of stimulation and growth of one’s own life experience. 

The interest in the life and emotional development and growth of the person one loves is a source of personal enrichment, and adds a dimension of depth regarding joint exploration of intellectual interests, the relation to nature, art, and human conflicts, and further deepens love and gratitude for what the couple shares.

It implies the capacity for a mature object relationship in depth. In a deeper sense, a process of identification with the beloved person takes place, an identification with the interests and values of the other, that become part of one’s own aspirations and commitments. This development differs sharply from narcissistic patients’ lack of interest in what strongly moves their partner.

The absence of this psychological capability of curiosity and interest in one’s partner is one of the most dramatic consequences of narcissistic pathology, with its tendency to take the other for granted, a boredom with the subjective experience of the other, and the experience of the relationship as more ‘transactional’ than interpersonal, dominated as it is by concern with ‘who of the two is getting more from the other’. 

In clinical practice, the dynamics described by Otto Kernberg may draw the therapist’s attention to several characteristic manifestations.

A patient may speak at length about how the partner relates to them, while saying almost nothing about what the partner themselves is experiencing. The patient may describe in detail how much the partner admires, supports, or disappoints them, yet know very little about what the partner is currently going through, what they fear, or what they are striving for.

Another pattern becomes apparent when the partner achieves success. Instead of pleasure and genuine interest in the partner’s accomplishments, the patient may respond with irritation, criticism, boredom, or sudden devaluation: “He hasn’t done anything special,” “She was just lucky,” or “Lately, he has become uninteresting.” What might otherwise be experienced as satisfaction in the growth of a loved person becomes a source of narcissistic envy.

Another important clinical moment is a change in the patient’s attitude toward the partner once the partner ceases to perform a particular narcissistic function. As long as the patient can feel proud of the partner, gain recognition through them, or derive admiration and confirmation of their own value from the relationship, the bond may be experienced as intense. But when this source of narcissistic gratification weakens, the patient may suddenly begin to speak of boredom, loss of interest, or the desire to find “someone else.”

‍

(c) Yuliia Holopiorova,

Ukrainian Association of Transference-Focused Psychotherapy